Of course you expect to change diapers and deal with potty training (surprise! it doesn't happen overnight, and, they pee on the floor! Awesome!). But, didn't you sort of expect that once they got the hang of using the toilet, you could spend the rest of your life NOT involved? True story: 7 year old goes to the bathroom. Yells from bathroom "Mooooooommmmm! I went poop! I wiped my bum but there's nothing on the toilet paper! I wiped again and some more and now my bum-bum hurts! Can you come look at my bum?" Nothing I'd rather do, sweetheart! But, ahhhhhh. The Clean Poop. One of life's small triumphs. Then there's the flip side:" Moooooooommmmm! I went poop and I wiped and wiped and wiped and there's still more poop! I flushed already and I used all the toilet paper and there's still poop! Can you wipe me?" Uh. The Never-ender. One of life's small insults. Either way, my involvement is required. I know, I know. I shouldn't worry. They'll learn. You don't see college kids who don't know how to wipe their own asses. But it's not for lack of trying!
When you are planning to have kids (either the fun stage where it's all just a hypothetical, or the "shit just got real" phase during pregnancy), you are very busy thinking about things like how to name your baby so that she has a unique name but not too unique (hello Marigold!), how to decorate your kid's room so it's sweet/sophisticated/hip/urban/cute/different/lusted after ALL AT THE SAME TIME, and, or course, how well behaved your kids will be when you take them to the supermarket, unlike those horrid screaming children over there with that disheveled lady who must be the housekeeper (she isn't). So fun! But the one thing, the ONE thing, you will be dealing with on a daily basis until those kids are way too old is......POOP! And you never gave it even an inkling of thought. But you should have. Oh yes, you should have.
Of course you expect to change diapers and deal with potty training (surprise! it doesn't happen overnight, and, they pee on the floor! Awesome!). But, didn't you sort of expect that once they got the hang of using the toilet, you could spend the rest of your life NOT involved? True story: 7 year old goes to the bathroom. Yells from bathroom "Mooooooommmmm! I went poop! I wiped my bum but there's nothing on the toilet paper! I wiped again and some more and now my bum-bum hurts! Can you come look at my bum?" Nothing I'd rather do, sweetheart! But, ahhhhhh. The Clean Poop. One of life's small triumphs. Then there's the flip side:" Moooooooommmmm! I went poop and I wiped and wiped and wiped and there's still more poop! I flushed already and I used all the toilet paper and there's still poop! Can you wipe me?" Uh. The Never-ender. One of life's small insults. Either way, my involvement is required. I know, I know. I shouldn't worry. They'll learn. You don't see college kids who don't know how to wipe their own asses. But it's not for lack of trying!
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Cuz my kids sure don't. That's the one thing I think I really did wrong as a parent. In all other areas of parenting, I excel. At least, that's what I keep telling myself when their "go to" stress reliever is eating a booger. It totally bums me out that my kids love really crappy pop music, the kind you find on any top 40 radio station, and hate any other music we try to play. Long car rides are spent simultaneously trying to coerce the kids into listening to some music we can tolerate vs. trying not to stab ourselves while Taylor Swift whines for the millionth time about what an asshole her last boyfriend was (and he really was, cuz you'd have to be an asshole to date that crazytown). I constantly wonder how they can be related to us. My husband is into serious alternative music, the kind that doesn't even sound like music (Fugazi, anyone?). He's had some minor success introducing them to The Clash, and the older one has worked out quite a dance to Spanish Bombs, but once that song is over she wanders away to stare at her Justin Bieber poster because she thinks Rock the Casbah sucks. They both seem to like the Beastie Boys, but you can't push it. One song, maybe two, and then we have to switch back to something, ANYTHING, as long as it's autotuned. When I was their age, I had awesome taste in music. I spent hours listening to the Rolling Stones, The Beatles, the B-52's, and DEVO was my most bestest favorite. My parents were super lucky that I ignored disco completely (except Born to Be Alive. I made my dad play the shit out of that song). I tried so hard to get them to like The Beatles. I danced them around to it all the time when they were babies, but it never took. Honestly, what kid doesn't like The Beatles? Thankfully, there is one band we can all get jazzed about. I'll give you a hint: we each have our favorites, and mine is Simon. Ella rocks out as Nick, Laurel's John, and Alex always has to be Andy (that's what happens when you get to the party late). Come by some time. We do a mean family rendition of "Hungry Like the Wolf". If you're ever riding in your boyfriend's super cool T-Top Camaro on your way to a bar that is very far from where you live, and he says "Before we get there, I have to tell you something," you should probably just assume the worst and not pursue it further. Because this happened to me. And stupidly I said..."What?"
"If when we get there, and we get our drinks and whatever, and then suddenly I grab you and we have to leave in a hurry, it's because someone recognizes me and it might not be safe." Seriously. That's what he said. And because I can never, ever learn a lesson I say "What do mean MIGHT NOT BE SAFE?!" (using finger quotes). "I never told you but I used to be a drug dealer, and I just wanted to let you know now, in case anything happens." He tells me this now. On the way to a bar. A bar that is very very far from my house, where, apparently, other, meaner drug dealers might be. I tell him it's no big deal, I know a lot of drug dealers. I go to college. He says very slowly and clearly, '"Nooo, not like that. The real kind, with coke scales and a lot of money and a Mercedes. That sort of thing. I was supposed to go to jail , but they let me go to Iraq instead cuz I was AWOL from the Marines anyway. But it's ok because I have a gun in the back of my pants." So, if this ever happens to you, just put your hands over your ears and star humming. Today NPR did a story about college kids illegally using ADD drugs like Adderall to help them get by. There were many questions asked, but the one they were unable to answer easily was why: why do college kids feel like they need drugs like these, aside from an actual true diagnosis of ADD? Simple, kids these days are wusses (whoa, get back in there crotchety old man!), and here's a good example (from an article on Salon-click here for the full article): "Abbie Kaplan, a junior at the Boston Latin School — a public high school that requires students to take an exam for entry — knows what she means.On a scale of 1 to 10, she places her stress level at a pretty steady 9. She regularly has four hours of homework a night, some done before swim practice. She eats dinner around 9:30 p.m., then finishes the rest of her homework and generally goes to bed at 11:30. Then she’s up at 6 a.m. so she can be at school by 7:45. She calls her hectic schedule “the new normal.” So, um, I also went to Boston Latin School and had a similarly rigorous schedule. I seem to be ok now. That is not the "new normal". It's the new unprepared. Today's young people seem less than confident that they can succeed under pressure without some sort of help. And it is 100% our fault. For some reason, in the past decade or two, we have stopped letting children learn some very critical skills, like problem solving, self-sufficiency, and negotiating tricky situations. We make their schedules, make their lunches, set up playdates and rarely let them roam out of sight. We do things for them because it's easier (I am very guilty of this!), and when they have a problem, we solve it, instead of encouraging them to figure it out. When I was a kid, I roamed my neighborhood like a wild cat, and encountered many situations which required me to do some serious thinking and negotiating: Is this the house with the scary dog? Better go waaaay around. Is there where those mean kids hang out? I could buck up and push through or hide in the bushes. Tossed outside with nothing to do? Well look! Here's an old tire in the woods-adventure ensues! All of these were opportunities for problem solving, creative thinking and stress management. I once got stuck climbing the fence in my backyard when my belt loop got caught and I was hanging there...alone..just dangling in the breeze. Instead of screaming for help, which my kids would do immediately, I thought about it for a bit, made a painful (the horror! pain!) leap, and set myself free Pretty sure i never mentioned it to my parents. Meanwhile, my 7 year old comes running when she has a broken fingernail. Running. As my mom lovingly pointed out to us this summer, "they can't do ANYTHING." And she was right. So what to do? My husband I have actually started to make a real effort to encourage our kids to be more self-sufficient in the past few weeks. We don't jump in to help as easily, they have to do more stuff, and we are slowly, ever so slowly, allowing them to play farther away from us (so scary! for us, that is). And it's been working-Ella actually put her own laundry away yesterday without complaining. Hey, it's a start! Since Newtown there has been a lot of rhetoric about guns in America. Typically, the discussion has degraded into 2 camps, the anti-gun tyrannists vs. the gun-nut whackos, and there is NO room for nuanced, thoughtful debate about what is right for America, what is meant by having rights, exactly, and what, if anything, should be done. Let's start with what is right for America. For better or for worse, we are the leaders of the free world, for now at least. Yet, our infant mortality rate is higher than most, our middle class is disappearing at an alarming rate, and yes, we have the highest number of gun related deaths than ANY OTHER westernized nation. None of these are reasons to be proud, yet the pro-gun lobby is insisting that these gun deaths are incidental, something to shrug our shoulders at. After all, there are over 300 million guns floating around. What do we expect? People WANT guns. Clearly, they do. But should they? There is some deep soul-searching to be done about what kind of society we claim to be vs. what we actually are. So no, the proposals Obama threw out on the table won't end gun violence, but what it does is start the discussion that needs to be had and allows us to move away from "gun culture" as an acceptable part of society, if we want to, and bullies like the NRA can't stop the conversation anymore. Like other major issues of our time, civil rights or gay rights, for example, the change came with legislation AND a cultural shift. For too long, gun ownership has been off the table, and now it isn't. Maybe we will decide that we don't want our hallmark to be violence, and maybe we will. But at least we're finally talking about it. Rights. Ugh. Bring up any question about our rights and you are labeled anti-American, un-patriotic. But here's the thing: I'm hard-pressed to believe that the framers of the Constitution were so narrow minded that they believed the Bill of Rights would be a holy grail, unquestionable, unchangeable, like some secular Ten Commandments we worshiped blindly. In fact, they drew up the Declaration and Constitution to fight against such mindless following of ANY doctrine. Hell, that's why they fought that pesky Revolutionary War. Sure, we have "rights", but it is reasonable to assume that there needs to be some limits on these rights on occasion. We all know the example of not being allowed to yell "fire!" in a crowded movie theater. Also, hate crimes come to mind. It is not unreasonable, un-American, or tyrannical to look at the 2nd Amendment from a nuanced perspective and see the limits inherent in it's wording. You might have a right to own a gun, you might not. Given how difficult this has been to parse out, it's time for us to look at the 2nd Amendment critically, and change it if we need to. That's not anti-American, it's smart. Let's get this figured out already. So what should be done? Well, I believe that some of the President's suggestions will make a difference, such as required background checks and funding research on gun violence. Others probably won't, like a ban on semi-automatic weapons. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. There are a LOT of people out there who believe, truly, that they need an arsenal of weapons to protect themselves from the rest of us, that somehow, those guns will be the deciding factor between being predator or prey when the shit hits the fan. Logic shows us that this is rarely the case, that most guns are used against those who live with them in their homes, or in one-on-one crimes, primarily in urban environments where guns are prevalent. So, what is happening in this country that people feel unsafe on a regular basis, so unsafe that the need to take up arms? Part of it is the media, the 24-hour news cycle that replays a scary event over and over until we are sure it's going to happen again, to us! Part of it is lack of education-sorry, but its true. It's easy to make up your own information, and cling to it no matter what. Easier than doing research, reading, and engaging in meaningful analysis of what you are finding on the internet. But what else? We need to find out, for sure. But in the meantime, why make it easier for people to kill each other with guns? Mental health issues may play a part, but why wait to find out? Let's start making a concerted effort to get guns away from those most likely to use them on someone. Joan Walsh had a good article on where to begin in Salon. http://www.salon.com/2013/01/31/standing_up_to_gun_bullies/?source=newsletter. (Author is Laurel, age 4.5. Ghostwritten. Duh.) It's come to my attention that a lot of my parents' friends have taken the genius step of having a second kid. Great choice, parents! Second kids rule! But this isn't for them, it's for you, #2. The bad news is, your older sibling will always be older than you, no matter how many times you ask your parents when YOU will be older. Ain't gonna happen. The good news is, I am here to help you make your existence as second banana as smooth as possible. Just follow my steps below, and I promise, for as long as your parents are alive, you will ALWAYS be their baby. Unless they have a third. Which makes you the middle child. Sooooo many issues there. I am simply not equipped. But, I do know some people, so email me and I'll hook you up. 1. First and most important, immediately develop a fake cry. Work on this until it's perfect, and utilize it any and every time you can. For example, if you and your older brother get into a fight about whose turn it REALLY is on the Sit n Spin, if it isn't resolved in your favor in 30 seconds or less, bust out the fake cry. Some adult will come running, and I guarantee YOU will take ownership if said Sit n Spin. You see, you will ALWAYS have priority access to all toys, even your older sibling's. Why is this? Take note, my young friend. As the older sibling, your brother will be constantly reminded that he is old enough to know that sharing is "how we do things in this family". You, on the other hand, may be told now and then to share, but it's halfhearted, really. They just say that because they're supposed to. As the "baby", no one expects you to share. Win! 2. No matter how well you can really talk, never ever let them know you can pronounce your "R"s and "L"s just fine. Talking with a baby voice maintains the image that you are, in fact, a baby and just about guarantees that you can get away with anything. Don't worry about getting caught with candy or about hiding your mom's jewelry in the heating vent. When you get caught, just shrug, make a cute face, and say "But mommy, I wuv you." It also helps to shake your butt while saying "I'm shaking my booty!" and giggling. Grown ups LOVE this and it's a great diversion. Save the Shakespearean pronunciation for when you're with your preschool pack, and keep the grown ups in the dark. 3. Feel free to whack your older sister around anytime. If she tries to hit you back, bust out your by-now excellent fake cry and yell for mommy. Even if you started it, even if you BIT her, when your mom comes in to see what happened, just point to your sister and cry/mumble. Really lay in on. Runny boogers help. Why does this work? See #1 above. The same rule applies for hitting. Older siblings hate this maneuver, and they're on to it. Many parents are too, but because of rule #2, they're helpless. Win again! 4. Be prepared to hug and cuddle at all times. Parents are defenseless against it, and your older sibling has gotten very fickle about dolling out hugs and kisses. Their first little baby has grown up, and thinks kisses are for suckers. But YOU know better. You know the exact currency of kisses and hugs. So there they are, my best tips, now available for you. Use them and you should be fine. I know because I use them all, every day. 1. Smartly shopping all year for Christmas, laughing smugly at Black Friday shoppers looking for deals not nearly as good as the ones I got in July. Result? Kids' letters to Santa include nothing previously purchased. Must make them re-write, with heavy prodding.."But don't you want Santa to bring you a Globe? You LOVE the Earth!" 2. No one has been to the grocery store in over 2 weeks. We have nothing to eat, if by nothing to eat you mean 3 cans of anchovies, juice boxes, and 9 condiments purchased in a fit of gourmet idealization, all used just once. Still in there, though, in case. 3. Moved living room furniture around to accent new windows. Seven year old strangely channeling Martha Stewart, tells me it looks "wrong", doesn't feel right in here, it's just....off, but she can't put any words on it. She's consulting design mags as we speak..... 4. See above-next complaint? There's no place to put the Christmas tree. The suggestion to put it in the archway between living and dining rooms got this result "WHHAAAAAAT?????? OH MY GOD, THAT IS SO STUPID!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME???I HATE THAT!!!I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!" So, um...ok. 5. Asshole kids with asshole older siblings. Thanks to them, this is the conversation I had today: Ella: "Katie told me she doesn't believe in Santa. He's not real. It's just you and dad. Is Santa real?" Me: "Katie better hope so, or she won't get a damn thing on Christmas morning." Ella: "Why"? Me: "Cuz if you don't believe, you don't get anything. Santa's a toughie on that rule. You want to test it out? Cuz we can, you know." Ella: "No"..(thinking...) Katie better change her mind fast or it's gonna be a sad Christmas at their house." 6. Laurel at dinner (screaming): "I HAVE TO TAKE THESE PANTS OFF NOW!!!! THEY HAVE SPILL ON THEM! I SPILLED ON THEM! TAKE THEM OFF! I NEED TO CHANGE!"....says the 3 year old with half a jar of Mayonnaise in her hair. So. Almost time for the election. All along, something has been bothering me, and now, I just need to get it out there. I hope I don't mortally offend anyone in the process. But, my curiosity is genuine, and I am truly perplexed, so I am looking for answers. Really.
Everyone knows my political leanings, so it's no surprise who I am voting for. What I am genuinely surprised about is how many people I know are voting for Romney. Here's why. No matter what you think about the economy, whether or not Mitt can do any better than Obama, it's the social issues that get me. I know and love all of you, so when you get behind two men who seem to genuinely loathe a good portion of the United States, including people I care deeply about, I can't understand. Here are 2 people that have no problems taking health care away from the poorest children, taking away women's power over their own bodies, refusing equal rights for our gay friends and our women friends. waging war handily, severely damaging the only safety nets our parents have (and we might have) while taking advantage of said programs for themselves, firing teachers, and allowing insurance companies to deny care to sick people, letting us be one of the only industrialized nations where people can go bankrupt from being sick. I could be way off base, but for the most part, I think most of you also care deeply about these issues (anti-choice aside-that is a deal breaker for some and that's fine-I'm talking to people who are pro-choice, in that case). What I want to know is, how do you reconcile your social values with your economic values? How can you say, I am voting for the economy but I disagree with most everything else this guy stands for? How can you vote for someone who is against gay rights if you have any gay friends or family? How can you vote for someone who thinks it's just fine for the government to tell a woman what to with her own body if you have women in your life? If you've ever worked in a community where the poorest of the poor rely on help from the government just to survive, or in an emergency room, or in a school, or anywhere there are people who need help, how can you support a man who wants to eliminate these programs? I'm not trying to change minds here, I am just really trying to understand. Cuz I don't. Understand, that is. Of course, if you agree with Romney on his social views and his economic views, then it makes sense to vote for him. But, what do you do if you don't? What's the "thing" that allows you to not worry about those things? What I want to know is, how do you reconcile your social values with your economic values? And, on some level, aren't they the same? If you look at where they will each put their focus economically, it just seems that socially progressive economics support socially progressive issues. So, any answers? I really need a dream interpretation book or something. I have never, ever had one of those dreams where you are just doing something normal, like going to work, or gardening. Pretty much every dream I have is a whopper, which makes for some pretty sucky sleeping. And also-what the hell is wrong with me? Once, I dreamt that I was fist-fighting a kangaroo on the Mass Ave Bridge. Can't recall who won. Another dream involved a musical number while in line at KFC-"How 'bout a biscuit. Why don't ya risk it?" My dreams can even rhyme! But, the icing on the cake, the dream that has haunted me since I was 3 years old, involves that tall, mean faced sorcerer from Mickey and The Sorcerer walking slowly around my house, again and again and again, plotting...waiting...who knows? I shudder to remember it. Just once, I'd like to have that dream where you end up at school naked, taking the test you didn't study for. How calming. Laurel, sleeping the peaceful sleep of those who have normal dreams. One has to wonder, at what point in our lives did we stop being so aspirational? Every time my kids do anything, they get super delusional and decide they are going to be a famous whatever. Painting? I'll be a famous artist when I grow up. Dancing and singing time? Definitely time to start planning for fame and fortune. And please, it's not enough to know all the USA Olympic gymnasts by name. Now we need to sign up for gymnastics ASAP so we can be Olympians because of course, we can be. Nevermind that you HATED gymnastics and practically caused your head to explode from the tantrums you waged in protest. So what happened? Can we somehow get this back? For example, next time I pour myself a drink, I will dream to be the BEST wine drinker there is! And someday, I hope to be the absolute best at patio sitting. See, it's not too late. We should all dare to dream. |
Who is this person and why should I care?You probably shouldn't. You spend too much time on the internet anyway. Stop reading and go outside! But, this is the section where you have to say something about who you are...My name is Jhana (pronounced like the "J" in Bonjour, so everyone who knows me and calls me Jaaaahna, now you know). I live in the 'burbs of Boston with my husband and 2 kids, so yeah, with my 3 kids. I have a lot of things spinning around in my mind so instead of talking to myself in the mirror while I brush my teeth, I thought I would do what every other person does who thinks what they gave to say is AWESOME and for whom Facebook just wasn't enough. That's right-I said "whom." Archives
July 2015
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