Even though I was having a planned c-section (lay off birth nazis! There was a VERY good reason!!), my husband and I still went to the birth class but immediately reverted to 4th grade and spent the entire time giggling at how stupid everyone looked. We pretty much had to leave the class. Fine, asked to leave. Whatever.
Dumb dumb dumb! 2 weeks before the c-section, while on a 3 way phone call making plans for the evening with the girls, it becomes apparent that I should have paid attention in class because here's me: "Yeah, I totally want to meet up. Where should we-hold up......ow....ow....ow....Ok! So, when are we meeting? No, no, I'm fine. I can totally go out tonight." Repeat. Many times. My husband came home from work early "just in case" and promptly disappeared into the other room to work. I spent the next 4 hours pretty much alone and in varying states of pain and what was clearly denial. As was my husband, who checked on me once. Once. In 4 hours. Finally, called my doctor at 7 pm who said this was definitely not labor because I sounded fine and to call him back if I couldn't talk during contractions. Made it 2 more hours, then called again. He said-again-not labor because you are talking to me just fine. I then politely asked him if this was his first time dealing with someone having contractions, since they COME AND GO YOU DUMB FUCK AND GUESS WHAT? RIGHT NOW IT'S GOING!!!!OF COURSE I CAN TALK! Off to the hospital we go, but wait! My husband says to me (as I am leaning against the wall in excruciating pain for which I am completely unprepared)..."Hold on, I just need to pack"......Yes, you heard that right. I think the look I sent down the hall may have caused permanent damage. I sort of growled slowly in a low, Exorcist style voice "You had nine months to pack." We left right then.
At the hospital, after a bumpy ride (not fun! screw you Big Dig!) we arrived to find the hospital doors locked. I'm guessing this is to keep homeless people from coming in to sleep on the hard cold marble floor in the lobby. Finally get up to L&D, and they hoist me onto this teeny tiny bed made for a Teen Mom, so I am trying my hardest not to roll off the bed while I am also trying not to scream in pain because I am a Bostonian and we don't show emotion. Then, it happens. The doctor's resident gives me my first ever internal exam. And what she did, well, she tried to grab my neck through my gut that's what she did. And then, the doctor did it too!! So I did what anyone in that situation would do-I kicked him. In my defense, if you've ever had contractions you now those fuckers hurt. And I am holding all that pain in, trying not to scare the poor woman on the bed next to me who came in "just to see if everything was ok" and did not need to hear someone wailing like a banshee and keep my balance on this mini-bed while I weigh as much as Orca. All the stress and pain just came out through my foot. So, sorry about that, I guess.
Did I mention that doctor showed up with wicked bed head? Kinda explains why he wanted me to stay home, doesn't it? Then he says, "ok, you're 6 cm dilated (I had no idea what that meant-see paragraph 1) I'm going to go back to bed and you can go down the hall and they'll get me when we're ready to have this baby." I'm like.. "we're?" But I digress. So sorry but no effin way am I about to push this thing out right now. I had a c-section planned, motherfucker, and since I laughed my way out of baby class, that's what we're gonna do. I think he was pissed cuz he wanted to go back to bed, but whatever. He delivered the baby, and then took out the cyst (reason for the c-section). He was pretty blase about the baby, but he was all jacked up about the cyst.
C-Section #2 wasn't nearly as fun, but there was one good moment- The doctor asked my husband if he wanted to see him take the baby out, and Alex strongly declined. Some time goes by, and the doctor goes, "Hey Alex, check this out for a sec." Alex, who has clearly forgotten the previous conversation, pops his head over the sheet just in time to see them finish cutting my stomach open and yank out the baby. He sat down-fast. The doctor was laughing so hard I thought he'd piss his pants.