1. On field trips, you must send your child with a snack in a bag that can be thrown away, because if your kid has to actually bring a bag back on the bus, it will spontaneously combust, causing the bus to roll over and crash. Also, you will get a note from the teacher. About a bag. A....bag.
2. Failure to properly attire your child for Red Sox Day, Celtics Day, Pajama Day, School Spirit Day, Halloween, and probably Chocolate Milk Day will result in hours-HOURS-of complaints about how humiliated your child was because she was not able to get popcorn at lunch, the 'treat' for dressing up, and also will get you sympathetic glances at morning drop off, because clearly, you hate children. Also, it doesn't matter that we have popcorn at home. This was special!
3. If a snack has the words "made in a facility (love that fancy word for factory) that makes products with nuts, blah blah blah", even though NO ONE IN YOUR CHILD'S SCHOOL HAS A NUT ALLERGY, you will also get a note home. A nasty note. Because again, you hate children, apparently.
4. You MUST stand in the exact same place at pick-up every day, so that your child and her teacher can find you. If you so much as move by a millimeter, the forces of the universe render you invisible and your child ends up standing by the wall with all the other unloved children.
So to all you parents of soon to be kindergartners out there, I say hire a private investigator ahead of time, or go stalk the school yourself. Because no one will tell you the dirty little secret of the suburbs-these schools are out to get you, and when you fail, and you will, no one will hear you scream.