1. Thong underwear sucks. I don't know how I ever wore them. We all pretended to like them, but now, it just feels like a string stuck in my ass, a permanent wedgie I can't get at. Torture.
2. No one-NO ONE-is checking me out at the bar. I can slap on a pound of makeup, squish myself into some skinny jeans and a sequined tank, and spend 30 minutes flat ironing my hair. I won't be mistaken for a 26 year old. I won't even be mistaken for a 36 year old. They all know how old I am, and that I am one french fry away from exploding into sweatpants and a high pony.
3. If I have an alcoholic beverage before 8:00, I better be prepared to fall asleep before 8:00.
4. When I was younger and I wanted to drop a few pounds, I would just think about it really, really hard. Maybe only eat Doritos five days a week instead of seven. That's it! Skinny! Now, I have to exercise like it's my job seven days a week plus NEVER eat Doritos and also learn to love Kale, which was originally developed as a food for donkeys, I believe.
5. I can't dance. I never could. I just THOUGHT I could cuz all my girls would get in a circle around me egging me on. Plus, I was drunk.